Hi, my name is Harold Tinkintonkin. I really want to thank Frank for letting me guest post on his blog!
Now I’ve been in fraud management working for some of the oldest and biggest banks in America.
But frankly, I was tired of all the bureaucracy and slowness of big banking so I left. Screw big banking, they’re out of touch.
And I just got a new job! Hurray! 🎉🎉🎉
BingBong – The Darling Of The Fintech
I just scored a job at BingBong – a supersonic fast-growing Fintech focused on free mobile banking.
And when I say free, I mean everything is free. Free banking. Free money. Free everything to anyone that signs up.
Who doesn’t want free money? People are literally lining up around the block for their accounts!
They Hired Me As The “Fraud Manager”
My official title is “Fraud Manager”. And I didn’t put quotes around the title myself. That is actually the title that HR gave me with the quotes and all.
Not sure why they did that, but they said they don’t want to alarm the marketing folks. Apparently, no one around here likes the “F” Word.
I guess that’s ok. They did give me a boatload of shares.
Well wish me luck on my new Journey! Thanks Folks.
Update Day 2 – Should I be concerned?
Well, I’m back. I decided to write a bit of an update on my progress. Today was interesting. Not quite what I expected.
I was going through the identity strategy and noticed we take all the following as valid proof of identity:
- AAA Membership Cards
- Public Library Cards
- Capn Crunch Crew Membership Cards
- “Novelty” Drivers Licenses
- Chuck E Cheese PlayPass Cards
- Blockbuster Membership Cards
Rick Spolifiloto, the marketing guy, says we want to make sure we don’t make it too hard for people to apply for a new account.
Should I be concerned?
Update Day 3 – I Discovered Today Our Fraud Rate Calculations Have Been Wrong For Awhile
Accidents do happen I guess. I was pouring through our fraud rate calculations for the last 18 months and the former “Fraud Manager” before I got our numbers wrong.
Apparently, we are not at the 7 basis point fraud rate he calculated and reported to management, we are at a 700 basis point fraud rate. He was off a couple of digits on the decimal point!
Our executives have been touting our “BEST IN CLASS” 7 basis point fraud rate in all their presentations. I hated to be the ones to break it to them.
It was an awkward conversation, to say the least.
Update Day 7 – They Asked Me To Sign Off On Their Ultrasonic Money Program. Should I be floating my resume out there?
Well, it’s Day 7 in the fast-paced neo bank startup world. One thing is for certain, this company does like to keep giving away money.
The marketing group noticed that most of our newer customers we booked this year hated having holds placed on their large checks. Some fraudsters (err, I mean our customers) even called customer service screaming their heads off.
So they came up with the new ultrasonic fast money program which provides real-time clearing of any check for any amount.
Update Day 18- We’re Very Popular! Some People Like Us So Much, They Keep Coming Back for More
I found out today, that lots of people love our accounts. Heck, some people love our mobile bank accounts so much they come back over and over again and get more and more!
Our marketing team was searching through our accounts and found some of our best customers and asked if I could mark them as VIP customers so that we didn’t upset them by blocking them.
Here are a few of our more high-value customers:
- Mickey Mouse – He has 180 accounts
- Donald Duck – He has 175 accounts
- Sally Doe – 4,000 accounts
How do I tell my boss that maybe these aren’t real accounts?
Update Day 30 – We need to book more accounts so we all have to “Chip In”
It’s the end of the quarter again. You know what that means. We all have to Chip In and make sure we hit our growth numbers.
This month, I need to turn off some of those pesky fraud rules to make sure we can hit our goals.
My Boss sent me an email, “You’re a Team Player, right Harold?”
Update Day 45 – We’re Going To IPO.
In his own big mind, Hoagie Chapman is a maverick and an innovator. He’s also the CEO, Founder and Chief Money Giver Awayer of BingBong.
He made a big announcement today. We’re all going to be rich. We’re going to IPO next month and change the world.
He says we changed banking for the better. And now it’s time for us all to cash in. Something tells me this is all not going to end well.
Update Day 47 – Anybody Looking For Some Help?
Whelp it turns out, we ran out of money. I guess maybe this new business model of giving away money wasn’t a viable thing. So it’s back to the drawing board for me.
If anyone knows a regular old stodgy out-of-touch greedy bank that’s looking for an old-school fraud manager, you know where to find me!